


Intergalactic Confish

by Torchiclove



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Human Sollux, M/M, alien/space stuff, this came to me in a dream, weird sci-fi shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-03
Updated: 2016-04-30
Packaged: 2018-05-24 11:26:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6152176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torchiclove/pseuds/Torchiclove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I had a crazy dream where the events of this fic took place.</p><p>Eridan's an alien conman, Sollux got lost while driving halfway across the country. What happens next will shock you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Should've Brought a Map

You hated to admit that you were completely lost.

There were no landmarks, no signs, and no trace of human life on the long stretch of winding road to tell you where you were. You had no cell signal and no gps to guide you in the middle of nowhere.

An impromptu road trip maybe wasn't the brightest idea, but now it was too late to change your mind. 

You took the next left, still wandering hopelessly when you saw in the distance what appeared to be an old building of some sort. 

As you drove closer to it, it seemed like it was definitely abandoned. The roof was sagging dangerously and there was no sign of anyone living there. Still, you were desperate.

You tentatively got out of your car and walked over to the house, taking note of the overgrown plants that surrounded it. Vines crept up the old wooden exterior and flowers you had never seen before grew in clusters in the surrounding area.

You steeled yourself and knocked on the door, wincing as you noticed how damp it was. You didn't know whether or not to be relieved when there was no response.

With a sigh, you turned around to get back into your car. 

Before you could take one step, you heard the door creak open. A shiver ran down your spine.

You turned your head, trying to think of something to say, and you were shocked to see a young man looking at you. He had big, questioning eyes and a warm smile, but that wasn’t all you noticed about him.

It couldn’t have been a trick of the light-his skin was completely grey. His wide eyes were a rich violet, matching the streak through the middle of his black hair. He had two zig-zagging horns protruding from the top of skull that had three colored bands-red to orange to yellow. On the side of his face, sprouting from his neck, were two fins, tinged violet at the edges.

“Did you knock?” He asked politely. You couldn’t quite place his accent.

“Um, yeah,” you said quietly. “I..uh, I’m kind of lost.”

“Oh, no problem! Here, come in!” He waved his hand for you to follow him as he turned and disappeared into the house.

Against your better judgement, you followed him. Everything about the place screamed danger, and yet you were drawn to it like a moth to a flame.

The inside of the house appeared just as dilapidated as the outside. There was rotting wooden furniture here and there, tufts of grass growing through the floorboards, and the whole place felt damp and cold. 

The man walked briskly through the place, not bothered by how you lingered and looked around cluelessly. You were unsettled by how dark it was in the house-it was midday, but the windows were shuttered and the only light was filtered through cracks in the ceiling.

“Oh, how rude of me! I forgot to introduce myself. I’m Eridan, and you are…?” He said suddenly, jerking your attention away from your surroundings. He was flashing you a toothy grin, and you noticed uncomfortably just how sharp those teeth of his were.

“Sollux,” You answered. “You, uh, wouldn’t happen to know how to get to-”

“Of course! You said you were lost, now we can fix that. Follow me, then!” He cut you off and then set off, leaving you no choice but to follow him.

He came upon a set of creaky old stairs and motioned for you to descend. _Okay_ , you thought, _this is too much._

“You want me to follow a weird stranger in a dilapidated old house down a flight of creaky stairs?” You asked, standing up a little taller. You were frightened by his strange appearance, of course, but he didn’t look that strong. You were skin and bones yourself, but so was he.

He looked confused for a moment, but then the toothy smile returned to his face. “Oh yes, that. Well...there’s not much I can say to defend myself.” The smile was looking alarmingly fake now. “I guess you’d like some sort of explanation before we go down?”

“Okay?” You were definitely on edge now. He seemed so sure that you would follow him no matter what he said, and you had to admit you were too curious to just leave.

“I’m in the business of sales, and down here is where I keep all my things. It’s much nicer than the upstairs, I can assure you. We don’t get guests often-me and my wife, that is-and I thought you could maybe stay for a moment, look around and see if there’s anything you like? Then you can be on your way?” He looked a little worried now.

He started descending uneasily, looking back to see if you would follow him. You got bad vibes from this place and this guy. You followed him down the stairs.

He wasn’t lying when he said the downstairs was different from the upstairs. Nicer, you weren’t exactly sure, but it was definitely different.

The first thing you noticed was the metal flooring and the fluorescent lights. The room was fairly small and mostly empty, but you could see a large metal door leading to a corridor. The room seemed to serve no purpose at all. 

Eridan quickly hurried you through the door, revealing a hallway much longer than you originally anticipated. He ushered you into another room that was similar to the first. It was slightly larger and sparsely furnished with a couch and a few chairs. 

“Here’s my wife,” He said with a nervous smile, gesturing to some...thing sitting in a chair across the room.

She was much stranger than Eridan. 

Her skin, if you could call it that, was bright red. She was in no way humanoid, but she was more of an amorphous blob. She appeared to be wearing some sort of pearl necklace around what you assumed to be her neck. You couldn't really tell what any of her body was, it was all vaguely shifting and changing like it was unstable. There were no eyes, no mouth...nothing to even suggest this was an intelligent creature.

You stared, wide-eyed, at Eridan. You didn't even stop to think that he might be offended by your obvious horror.

“Yeah, she sure is something,” he said, the fins on his neck wiggling a bit. This was beyond strange. You weren't entirely sure it was real. Maybe you passed out in your car and you were dreaming, or maybe you died and this was some sort of weird hell.

Only one way to find out-roll with it.

You swallowed dryly and nodded, trying to keep your eyes away from Eridan’s unsettling wife. You were relieved to see that he was gesturing for you to follow him out of the room. You dreaded, however, what he might show you next.

He led you into another room with bright fluorescent lights, but this one was less empty. It was cluttered with various tables, stands, and racks covered in what appeared to be wares. He did say he was a salesman, after all.

Eridan led you to a table that had a few things neatly arranged on top of it. He picked up something that looked like a gun and turned it over a few times before he began explaining.

“This is a fully functional laser pistol! It's in top condition, and-”

“Tell me exactly what the fuck is going on.” You interrupted him without warning. Before he could answer, you continued, “Do you actually expect me to know what any of this is? Do you expect me to not be freaked out by a couple of clearly-not-humans trying to sell me weapons from a shady shack on the side of the road? What _are_ you?”

You saw his fins droop as he tentatively put down the laser pistol. He made a few incomprehensible noises before he began to form an actual response.

“Well, you see, I-” he stopped when the lights suddenly flickered. “Weird, we haven't had power problems since-” The lights went out completely. 

You heard a low growling coming from the corridor.

Eridan gulped, his fins going back in a way similar to a scared dog’s ears. “I think the missus is upset,” he whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

You felt your heart beating faster as you searched Eridan’s eyes and saw only fear.

“You mean that _thing?_ ” You whispered harshly, finding yourself pressing closer to him. Your only semblance of safety was a skittish alien nervously clutching a laser pistol.

“It's a long story, but she's a bit, uh...unpredictable. Never really know what'll set her off,” he said, taking a shaky step forward.

Your first thought was disbelief, followed quickly by anger. “So you just lure people down into your crazy lab with your psychopathic wife?” Your felt your voice slowly rising, now just shy of a yell.

“ _Quiet!_ ” He whispered, waving the pistol at you frantically. “I'll explain later. We need to get out of here _now!_ ”

You held your tongue, suddenly more interested in surviving than getting the last word. You followed hesitantly as Eridan began taking slow, deliberate steps towards the door.

You tried to ignore the occasional thud of something hitting metal that echoed through the sprawling underground structure. Eridan motioned for you to press against the wall as he did the same, edging down the hallway towards the exit.

You hadn't walked very far into the place, and you were sure that you could escape.

You suddenly halted.

The door that led down the lab was completely blocked by a myriad of heavy objects and what looked like torn, jagged metal. 

Eridan gulped. “She's a clever girl, I'll give her that,” he whispered, fear overtaking his voice. He practically jumped when there was another loud thud, this time far more distant.

“How fast is that thing?” You hissed.

“Very.”

“Is there another way out of here?”

“Yes. We’d have to go all the way through the place, but there's a sort of emergency exit. The wife, uh...doesn't know about it for...reasons.” He gave you a sheepish grin and began quietly making his way back down the hallway.

You couldn't believe this asshole.

He seemed to get a good handle on what he was doing now. You made good progress down the hallway, through room after room. There were occasional pauses as you heard distant slams, always just far away enough to be consoling rather than worrying.

“How big is this place?” You hissed quietly, practically breathing down Eridan’s neck with how close you were.

“Pretty damn big,” he replied nonchalantly, looking around a corner before motioning to you that the coast was clear.

The floors and walls had gone from bright white metal now to dull grey, and each room seemed to get stranger. You could see glass tubes extending from the floor to the ceiling, all of them containing only a thick, clear liquid. They were all faintly glowing. Eerie shadows were cast over your faces in the dim light.

There was a sudden flash of red in the doorway.

Before you even realized you had tried to scream, Eridan’s cold hand was clamped tight against your mouth. He half-dragged you away from the door and you could only let him, your body still recovering from the shock. He sat you down in the corner, back against a glowing tube.

“Stay,” he mouthed, inching towards the door with the laser pistol ready to fire. You tried to look away, but you found your eyes glued to him. The suspense was killing you.

Uneventful seconds turned into uneventful minutes. He motioned for you to get back up, everything was clear. You heard a loud thump and metal hitting metal in the distance, and some of the fear faded.

“The exit’s only a few rooms away,” Eridan whispered as you stepped into another room with dark grey floors and walls. A jagged metal basin of some sort was pressed against the wall, but the rest of the room was empty.

“What's that for?” You asked, pointing towards the dark hunk of metal.

Eridan gave you a strange look. “The bathtub?” He said, as if the answer were obvious.

“Of course,” You muttered. You noticed that there was an inch or two of water in the basin but seemingly no faucet.

Eridan took two steps before there was another flash of red at the door on the other side of the room.

Your heart was racing, but you stayed quiet. You could hear her now, tearing into _something_. The sickening crunch of metal being crushed accompanied the sound of glass breaking. You could hear liquid splash as a result, and Eridan cursed to himself. He pressed against the wall, just managing to peer out the doorway while he clutched his pistol for dear life.

You crept to the other side of the doorway, looking across at him with fear in your eyes.

You saw her, and it was terrifying.

She was still red and mostly formless. She still wore a pearl necklace around what could pass as a neck. However, she now possessed two spidery arms that ended in nightmarish red claws, apparently strong enough to rend steel. Her torso was amorphous and constantly shifting, and there were no legs, nothing to explain her incredible speed. You could see as she turned that there were no eyes, but she had a gaping maw full of razor teeth, and clamped between them were the parts of some creature that she stole from the glass tubes.

One second you were gazing in awe, and the next you were running for your life.

Eridan frantically grabbed your hand as soon as his wife noticed your presence, pulling you into a panicked sprint. A feeling of dread settled over you as you realized that she was supernaturally fast.

Despite her apparent speed, you felt she wasn't catching up to you. You ran for what felt like ages, still being pulled along by Eridan. He must've had to layout of the lab completely memorized, because he knew exactly where to go and never hesitated. Room after room flew by in a blur of terror. Nothing existed except Eridan’s frantic pulling on your arm and the rhythmic beat of your feet against the metal floors.

“I think we lost her,” Eridan wheezed, breathing heavy with exhaustion. You could see his gills, almost obscured by his collar, opening and closing like a fish’s, but he seemed to be breathing like a human, through his nose.

The sounds of destruction were once again distant, and you were relieved by the dull thuds.

You continued to make your way towards the exit at a slower pace, still trying to regain your exerted energy. You had a few burning questions in your mind, and you asked them against your better judgement.

“So, how did you end up married to...that?” You whispered, still careful to remain quiet.

“It was part of a sort of business deal. I marry a merchant’s daughter, I get his favor and some of his merchandise, also some not-exactly-legal favors, you know.” He waved his hand dismissively as if this was a perfectly normal occurrence.

“And she's done this before?” 

“Never this bad.”

“This is actually insane.” You almost laughed at the realization. “This is insane, and we're going to die.” You let out a dry chuckle.

“Don't say that, I'm perfectly capable-”

“I'm gonna die with some alien asshole dressed like a shitty vampire,” you mused.

He punched you in the shoulder, but there was no conviction behind it.

“I'm perfectly capable of getting us out unharmed,” he grumbled indignantly.

You suppressed a laugh that bubbled in your stomach through the cold fear that had slowly been creeping into your system during the whole ordeal. The reality of the situation had dawned on you now, but god damn if it wasn't hilarious.

“There's one more turn, and then down the next hallways and we'll be there,” Eridan whispered, grabbing your hand again. You raised an eyebrow at him, but didn't protest as he led you through an iron door into a vast room.

It was hard to see in the dim light that emanated from the multitude of screens that were somehow on despite the power outage. They glowed faintly, filling the space with a soft white light.

“And a right out that doorway should get us there,” Eridan muttered almost to himself, still leading you by the hand. You had decided that it was strangely comforting.

You heard another noise, much closer this time, and Eridan crumpled to the ground in front of you.

You saw something vaguely square shaped and metal hit the back of his head, bouncing off and rendering him unconscious. Dread washed over you as you turned to see an amorphous red blob with spidery arms and curling talons staring at you with its eyeless face.

Upon instinct, you snatched the laser pistol from the ground and ran like hell.

She didn't stop to bother Eridan’s unconscious form, and you found yourself strangely relieved. 

She growled as she followed you down the hallway, a deep, terrifying noise that struck you to your core. You ducked behind a turn in the hallway, trying to catch your breath. You pressed your back flat against the wall, the pistol clutched in your right hand, close to the intersection.

There was a quickness to your actions that you barely understood.

You drew deep breaths, trying your hardest to be quiet, to be still. Eridan’s wife continued her snarl, slowing her pace as she lost your position.

She moved to the intersection, and you were discovered.

Without even thinking, you were shakily aiming the pistol and pressing the trigger with all you had. You closed your eyes, wincing at the pain you expected to rip through your body. You thought, in your final moments, about the douchebag fish alien who got you into this mess, and you felt only guilt for failing to get out of it.

There was no pain. There was no scream of final terror leaving your throat as you were ripped to pieces, because you weren't.

You opened your eyes and saw an incredible sight.

Eridan’s wife had a charred hole in her body just below her pearl necklace. Her gaping maw of razor teeth was nearly closed, and a viscous red-pink fluid leaked out of the corner. Her spider-like arms twitched slowly, then slower, until finally she was completely still. 

You laughed like you had never laughed before, like there was nothing else in the world but the hilarity of what had just happened.

Finally, the laughter subsided. You remembered Eridan was still unconscious on the floor, and it suddenly wasn't funny anymore. You tentatively stepped over the body and made your way to the room you remember running from. It was easy to find, given that you'd only run down a straight hallway to an intersection.

In the dim glow from the screens of the room, you could still see Eridan on the ground. Stepping closer, you noticed a few drops of violet spattered on the ground, but he was still breathing.

You crouched down and gently put your hand behind his head, lifting it up slightly. You grimaced as you felt unnaturally cold blood matted in his hair.

His eyes fluttered open. He looked confused, and then a smile spread across his face, all his pointed teeth showing.

“What the hell happened?” He asked breathlessly, looking at you with an expression you couldn't quite gauge.

“I just killed your fucking wife,” you murmured in disbelief. It felt like a dream.

He furrowed his brow and looked you over, taking note of the laser pistol you had dropped when you woke up him up. “Well, let's get the fuck outta here, then.”

He stood up shakily, throwing an arm over your shoulder to keep himself balanced. The blow to the head had definitely taken a toll on him, but he assured you he was much hardier than any human.

And suddenly it dawned on you that you wanted answers.

“What the hell were you doing here, if you're a fucking alien or whatever,” you asked, trying to keep your voice level. You could feel yourself getting frustrated at yourself by your lack of knowledge on everything that just transpired.

“It's an interesting story,” he started, pausing for a moment, “I crash landed around here, with no way to make any repairs. I didn't have a way to communicate to anyone else because my business on an intergalactic scale was quite...illegal, and I tend not to keep ties to too many people. I managed to construct the lab by finding and stealing some things, and salvaging the technology from my ship.” He told the story while you casually made your way to the exit.

“And your terrifying murder-wife?”

“I told you, business deal. Not really my choice. I owed some assholes some favors and got myself into a lot of deep shit, and she lived with me after we were married, lived on my ship when I crashed. But that doesn't really matter now.” He chuckled at that, giving you a playful shove.

“I guess I'm sorry about that,” you said, more a question than an actual apology.

“Don't be. It's a weight off my chest. I've been waiting for her to snap like this for years. It's always a matter of time with those fuckers.” He stopped at a locked iron door, fishing a key from one of his pockets. He unlocked the door and pulled it open, revealing a ladder leading upwards.

“Lead the way,” you said, watching him grab a rung and start pulling himself up. He seemed to have mostly recovered from his injuries just as he said he would.

You followed suit, wondering just how far underground you were. It couldn't be too far-the original staircase wasn't very long, and nothing about the lab seemed to slope downward. You could barely see in the dark, only aware of Eridan a few rungs above you.

He stopped briefly and light filled the tunnel. He crawled out of the opening and you were quick to follow, happy to see the blue sky above rather than the dull metal of the underground lab.

“How far are we away from the house?” You asked, suddenly remembering your car parked on the side of the road.

“Not very far, just a few minutes walk,” Eridan said, looking at the surrounding trees with a grin. “I spend so much time in there, it's like I haven't been outside in forever.” 

You gave him a quizzical glance and let him lead the way.

It wasn't long before you could see the dilapidated wooden structure. You rushed forward at the sight, anxious to get out of this place and forget everything that had happened. There was the same old house, untouched by the day’s events, the same strange flowers clustered around its base. You couldn't help but smile when you saw your car parked just where it had been before.

You looked back at Eridan, and the grin was gone from his face. He looked tentative, even bashful, and as if he was trying to hide disappointment. “Is this goodbye, then?” He asked.

You frowned, first at the statement but then at the realization that goodbye bothered you.

“Because, ah, I don't really have anything for me here anymore.” He gestured toward the house without looking at it. “And I don't exactly have a way of getting out of here.”

There was a surprising lack of sarcastic defensiveness in his tone. You mentally chastised yourself for even listening to him, and yet, you couldn't just leave.

You grabbed his hand and started pulling him toward your car. He resisted for a moment, body tensing with shock, but then relaxed and let you nearly drag him to the road.

“Where are we going?” He asked, looking at you with a wide-eyed stare.

“Let's find out,” you replied, opening the door of your car and getting into the driver’s side. You grinned as you heard the passenger side door open just a moment later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I actually finished something, holy shit. (But it did take forever)
> 
> Hope you had a good time with this silly little dream-turned-fic. The jagged metal bathtub was very important in the dream, so if it seems weird and shoehorned I really had to mention it. Turned out less shippy than I originally planned, but you get the idea. Go wild with whatever you think happens afterwards.

**Author's Note:**

> This is gonna be p short and really weird? Right now it sounds super choppy in my head but I'm gonna post it anyway lol  
> The next chapter will probably be longer because it'll be the rest of the story, this was more an introduction


End file.
